About the book...

Angry at the human race and its methodical destruction of her resources, Mother Earth recruits souls who have just left their bodies to serve Her, and turns them against humanity. A powerful, rising force proceeds to carry out Mother Nature’s plan to systematically destroy towns, cities, states… and eventually, the world. Amidst the chaos, a forbidden relationship between a human girl, Violette, and Onyx, a lead Gemini, begins. They will both find themselves in the middle of a revolutionary war that will either save, or destroy our world.

Read Chapters 1-14 on Wattpad

Monday, December 23, 2013

Why I love Crack- simply the title of my story, NOT a portrayal of actual feelings...

***I DO NOT ENCOURAGE THE USE OF any legal, illegal or recreational drugs, period. This is a story and not a love confession for crack cocaine. I condone no mind altering substances, not even alcohol, which is why I haven't even had a beer in over TEN years!***

I had to debate with myself so hard before I finally decided to post my dirty laundry on my blog... then I decided that nothing anyone can say about it would hurt me any more than I've hurt myself in the past... and, since I am my own agent I decide what to put out there about myself. So here goes. Here's a little about my climb from the dungeon to the tower of my own "inner castle."


Why I love crack cocaine
My Gutsy Story® by Jessica O’Gorek
At eight years old, my parents divorced: strike one. At ten, my mother was bi-polar and had spent a good six months in Western State Mental Hospital then took off to Richmond where I didn’t see her for a good year. I was told she was sick and couldn’t handle raising me at the time: strike three. At twelve, I decided I wanted to smoke cigarettes and being the all-knowing teenager, I would proceed to replace the love I was lacking from my mother by getting it from boys. So I started having sex and sneaking out in the middle of the night: strike four.  At thirteen, I met my future husband: strike five, six and seven. At sixteen, I got drunk for the first time and spent a good half an hour retching in my boyfriend’s front yard: lost count! At seventeen, my father didn’t know what to do with my sorry ass anymore so he left me at his house and went to live thirty minutes away with his girlfriend. At eighteen, I got married, bought a house and two acres in the country and smoked a joint for the first time: Strike infinite!
What follows is a whirlwind story about spousal, drug and all forms of abuse, combined with motherhood, addiction, recovery and chasing my ultimate dream of becoming an author.
Now, where was I? Oh, right, eighteen. I quickly learned that my husband and high school sweet heart is a controlling, physically and emotionally abusive redneck and that the only way we could tolerate each other was by smoking a lot of weed. Twenty: It’s time for a baby! Yeah, I thought maybe a crying, stinky swaddled mess of adorable would save our marriage. Ha! Thankfully, my daughter, combined with a new drug, cocaine, would be the beginning of the end of my first pitiful marriage. When he decided to hit me in front of her at ten months old and strangled me because I wouldn’t let him put coke on certain body parts, I decided it was time to leave.
At twenty, I took my girl and ran over to where my dad moved. I met up with my other high school sweetheart, got my own place for the first time and got clean for about six months. Then I met White Boy Larry, the equivalent of my pimp in disguise. White Boy Larry was his code name to get into the crack house where he introduced me to my new lover, Crack.
Crack and I got along splendidly! He would keep me up all night, make me feel like superwoman, helped me lose weight, and cleaned my house, the perfect life companion, right? Our relationship was one of few words and little emotional growth. He always seemed to know what I wanted, when I wanted it and I couldn’t get enough of him! If he was gone, even for a second, I would miss him so badly! I would go out at all odd hours of the night to try and find him and bring him safely home. The only issue was he wanted me all to himself and would rarely give up any space in my brain or heart so I could share it with my daughter.
After six months, our beautiful relationship began to take a serious nosedive. When he found out I was cheating on him with Sam, my soon to be second husband, he got a little angry. When I told him my daughter meant more to me than him, he got even angrier; so angry that he kept me up for three days, stressed me out so much I developed hives and couldn’t’ eat or drink anything!
Finally, with Sam’s encouragement, I was able to break up with Crack. Sam told me I had an addiction to Crack and that I needed some serious help to get over him. At ninety pounds, with hives and an empty shell of a soul, I made a decision to enter into substance abuse counseling with sixteen other addicts like myself.
That was in 2003, at age 23. I had a few epiphanies while in counseling. As I sat in a room with sixteen other ladies, the counselor told us all that one of us would still be clean within one year’s time. As I looked at the other ladies with their scars and tats, the empty sadness in their eyes reminded me of wounded animals in a cage. I decided that I would be that one person and that no one would stop me. For once, my stubbornness was on my side and not against me.
I quit using all legal, (alcohol included) and illegal substances. I became a wonderful mother, married Sam in 2005, quit smoking cigarettes in 2007, and became a religious exerciser and a vegetarian. Today, I have been clean for eleven years, I run 3-5 miles a day, 4 days a week, I earn a dependable 50K a year, I have a car that’s paid for, my own place, a fabulous 13-year-old girl, I’m a published author and I just took a huge leap of faith by leaving my second husband because I wasn’t in love anymore. My next step at self-preservation is getting off my anti-depressants and working my way to the top of a best sellers list!
So I love crack cocaine because it took me to the dungeon so I could appreciate moving up to the tower of the castle. Without starving in its shadows, I never would have been able to be thankful for any light that crept through between the bars of my dungeon cell. It has taught that if I love myself, everything else will fall where it’s meant to. Not always where and when I want it to, but where it’s meant to.

9 comments:

  1. Sounds to me more like you should be thankful for learning to stop blaming others and taking responsibility for your own life. Hardly a worthwhile statement saying that taking crack was key to building your character, certainly not something you should encourage. I'm glad you've turned yourself around, truly, and I wish you every success but a real gutsy story comes from those that go through all that and more and don't resort to drugs and blaming others.

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    1. Well, I would be insulted but feel I must hold true to my statement on how others can't hurt me worse than I've hurt myself. I'm truly sorry you have failed to see that admitting I have a drug problem in itself is gutsy and adding all the other sorrows that comes with it is truly monumental and key in solving that problem. I fight my addiction every day in other aspects of my life. I don't feel that recognizing the circumstances of my life as attributing to my sorrow is blaming others. It's simply understanding that I am a product of my environment. I'm intuitive enough to know what road blocks I've faced and how I skirted around them or how they tripped me up. I wish you an open mind and a more imaginative conscience. Oh, and I guess I'll have to add a disclaimer on my post right at the very top to make it clear I don't encourage the use of drugs but that I do like to find a positive amongst the negative. It's akin to saying, "Yes, I stepped in a pile of dog crap, but boy did I need a new pair of shoes..." Take care.

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    2. I'm certainly not going to argue with a well thought and concise reply. Your initial blog certainly reads to me as though you blame others and that your drug addiction has in some way helped you be who you are now. In your reply takes more responsibility, it is a shame that you took the path you did as you could still have been you but years earlier. And yes, I am aware hindsight is 20/20. I don't know your life story and can only form a judgement on your public statement, you invite comment and so I give it. The truth is I do have an open mind and have seen what addiction can do first hand and have suffered lose because of it. I will always stand by my principles of condemning those that promote drug use as a means to an end. I wish you the strength and will to continue and a very merry Xmas.

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  2. I think your story is amazing. I glade that you came out from all the shit you used in purpose to forget your troubles and decide to be the one who is in charge on you own life. I am sorry that it take you so much time and pain to recognize it because you had no one to go for help.

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    1. Thanks so much for your sweet words, Sarit!

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  3. Wow. Just wow. It takes a lot of guts to put something like that out there and well done for having that kind of courage. Inspiring stuff.

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    1. Thank you so much Kathryn. I do hope if you know any addicts that it may help them know that there is always a way out:)

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  4. I am glad you were able to get help and had the strength and willpower to move forward and stopping using things that were bringing you down and destroying your life. I agree with you that when we love ourselves we make better choices! I know it must have been hard to share your story, but hopefully it will help someone else who is in the same situation.

    Wishing you a wonderful year filled with happiness and good health. :)

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    1. Thanks so much DMS! It was very difficult to share this story but worth every doubt I had. The soul reason was not for me, but for someone else out there who may find it hopeful:-)

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